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Top 10 Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Anonymous
“It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.” – Anonymous
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
“What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?” – Anonymous
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
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“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous
“There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Anonymous
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. ” – Walter Matthan
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.’ – Will Rogers
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
“Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” – Anonymous
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Anonymous
“Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.” – Anonymous
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark. – Anonymous
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.” – Anonymous
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“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” – Anonymous
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” – Anonymous
“When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Anonymous
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris
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“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Anonymous
“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
“An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” – Anonymous
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore
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“I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.” – Anonymous
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” – Anonymous
“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill
“Tell me, is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?” – Anonymous
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy
” It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Stowell
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“A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” – Anonymous
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” - Kin Hubbard
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.” – Anonymous
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
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